Relationship fights

• Fights in a relationship as weird as it may sounds are not a bad thing, it means that people care. And in a way if non would exists, the relationship would probably not exists at all. The way worse part that can come when it goes really really wrong is actually apathy, when people stop totally caring.
• You can’t think or do something new and probably useful when emotions are high, you’d close down and only respond with preprogrammed reactions that are not going to progress anything to the positive.
• Effective communication starts with identifying with the other person, starting where he is, getting some rapport and taking a mental and communicative journey from where they are to a new place.
• While gender bias is in play with this and it could be reverse rules and other-things. Usually Women are after emotions they have a hard time explaining, they focus on the people it’s usually around a feeling of connection. Men Focus on solving something, feeling some control over an issue…
  So when a woman says something like, she doesn’t feel loved, the man might try to offer solutions ,which she would reject, as his formation and hers, aren’t matching. This tends to clash hard. He would either fight by blaming her, as all his offers are rejected, or retreat and disconnect him self from the situation. Which for her is an indicationt that she is right and everything is worse. And for his side, he sees everything around her is things he can’t fix. (this problem description is depicted throughly in the “men are from mars women are from venus” book)
• The problem of being too invested emotionally. There is a tenancy to make the partnership as the one most important thing and nothing comes an even close second place. This creates a lot of issues making arguments and other issues 100x times worse. One of the better things I consumed???? said you should treat the partner as one of a collection of your 5 best friends.. if one is upset at you, for any reason, you can let it calm down, you still have 4 more… even at the worse case, it’s only one person. This is not to totally discount the difference, but it does put things in a better psychological construct. For one, your partner should be a super close friend and be treated as such, good and bad. And a second is your world should not be rising and falling due to one event.
• Seeing a Relationship as the sums of all interactions. Its a long game and not the last one. You would love things and you would hate things. If when you get to a thing you hate, you’r thinking about this hate event as the entirety, you would have an issue that might be unfixable. You need the long term view future and more importantly back, you got to remember back to the good stuff when the bad stuff come, and the small things you didn’t like which you decided (implicitly probably) that you’d be ok with. Part of the partnership social construct is you accept all the other persons bad parts cause you’ve got your share of these that he’s accepting. That’s just as true when you look at your friends.?????????
• Sharing things you both like – Dating many times start with you sharing things you like to do. Planing a date you would enjoy and your partner does the same. You probably find some common ground. I believe overtime, at one point things reverse in a way. Most events that you plan,ones you’d consider your partner to enjoy, and he plans ones you’d enjoy. It might be an overly simplified optimistic view, as there is give and time and finding things that are in the middle ground, you wouldn’t do something that other loves but you totally hate… but you probably found these early on or this wouldn’t have gone as long as it did..
• Trust is a weird term as it’s meaning is wide spread, but trust and emotional intimacy intertwine. You have to have some pure moments of a complete ‘trust and let go’ to have a true feeling of what the other person is like deeper inside, even if you are not surprised inclined and hate surprises, you should let the other person have the rains with no input or knowledge of the plan once in a while, be it a surprise date or a portion of an event. That means, ones in a while you give up the control and option to say no. Over control of both sides even small opportunities like that would bobble up as it would just close off to people having sides and each not cooperating with the other at anything. Thing just gets deeper ,the more you let it untill you might feel you don’t know each other anymore.??????
• Optimistic vs pessimistic – it’s always easier seeing things worse than they are ,seeing the worse in people, expecting the worse… This is so much more true when you are in high emotional state, and might be worse for some people rather than others. It is also true that if you try to test your partner enough you would get him to fail at least once and you would have proven your own bias, but it is a very skewed reality. ???

Recently I was reminded (indirectly) about a few things that I keep in the top of my mind as some of the better relationship advice I consumed. Specially around the inevitable fights that would happen.